Wild Swimming jokes

Rule #1 of wild swimming: never wear a wetsuit after October, because it's cheating.

Rule #2: neoprene gloves, socks, boots and a hood are "accessories" and don't count.

My mate checks the sewage discharge map more often than his pension.

He couldn't name his bank manager, but he could pick his water company's CEO out of a police lineup.

Wild swimmer: "You should come! Honestly, it's lovely once you're in!"

Friend: "Then why were you screaming?" Wild swimmer: "That's how you know it's lovely."

Before I took up wild swimming, I had a savings account.

Now I have three changing robes: a winter one, a "lighter one for summer" and a towelling poncho for "in between seasons."

I met a man at the lake who'd done an Ice Mile.

I know because he told me before I'd finished saying my own name.

My friend was in the sea for three minutes this morning, then wore her changing robe for the next eleven hours, including to a funeral.

In her defence, she wore the black one.

My wife says I care more about the sea than I care about her.

That's unfair. I've never once compared her temperature to the same date last year.

What's the difference between a dip and a swim?

About two kilometres and a lifelong grudge.

My uncle has swum at the same beach every morning since 1987 in nothing but faded Speedos.

Ask him about wellness and he assumes it's a type of boot.

My nan overheard us talking about "the afterdrop" and thought it was a nightclub.

To be fair, it's a car park full of people shaking violently and shouting about how alive they feel.

I asked my friend if she'd be wearing a wetsuit this winter.

She just looked at me and said, very quietly, "Skins." I've had warmer conversations in single figures.

My friend built an ice bath in his garden for "maintaining cold adaptation in summer."

It cost more than his first car. And his first car at least had a heater.