Bouldering jokes

You know someone's obsessed with bouldering when they rate their morning coffee as "pretty positive hold, good friction."

Last week he described his breakup as "too morpho for his wingspan."

Watched my friend analyze frame-by-frame footage of his climbing attempts for two hours.

Turns out he has better beta for a V6 than he does for his actual life.

Rule #1 of bouldering: Always bring your personal boar's hair brush.

Rule #2: Get genuinely offended when someone uses it without permission.

Started dating a boulderer and learned that "want to hang out" means "want to watch me fail at the same problem for four hours."

The relationship has great beta but terrible execution.

Asked my friend why he needs five different chalk bags.

Apparently humidity levels require "strategic chalk deployment" and I'm too much of a gumby to understand.

Every party conversation: "Oh you work in finance? That's cool. Did I mention I just sent my first V8?"

Then comes the phone with seventeen identical videos of the same climb.

My bouldering friend's warm-up routine takes longer than most people's entire workout.

He calls it "injury prevention" but it looks more like interpretive dance with resistance bands.

You haven't lived until you've watched a boulderer explain why their obvious V3 was "definitely stiff for the grade."

Apparently the holds were "more crimpy than they looked" and "the beta was pretty sequency."

My friend turned down dinner plans because he's "projecting something special."

It's the same problem he's been working for six weeks and he's convinced tomorrow is the day.

My friend said he's "not that obsessed" with bouldering

Then he spent forty minutes explaining why his La Sportiva Solutions are better than Five Tens for crimpy overhangs in humid conditions

Started climbing and suddenly everyone's either a "crusher" or a "gumby."

There's no middle ground in this sport, just like there's no such thing as "casual" bouldering.

Boulderers describing holds: "It's like a positive crimp but slopey, kind of pinchy but more of a gaston."

Translation: "I have no idea how to grab this thing."