Triathlon jokes

My mate spent more than his car is worth on deep section carbon wheels to save eight seconds over 40K.

Turns out the cheapest free speed was skipping the second pudding.

My neighbour asked if I thought it would rain this weekend.

Twenty minutes later I knew his 140.6 splits, his sodium sweat rate and that it rained at mile 18 of his marathon, "but I didn't let it stop me."

The former college swimmer exits the water first, looking like a Greek god.

Then spends the next six hours being overtaken by people who swim like a dropped phone.

I've quit triathlon for good. Hung up the wetsuit, cancelled the coach, deleted the training app.

Now I just cycle and then go for a run straight afterwards, but it's not a brick if I don't upload it.

Tell a triathlete you've run a marathon and they'll say "Nice!"

It's the same tone you'd use for a toddler who's just put on their own shoes.

For most triathletes, the big race is also the family holiday.

Nothing says quality time like three days in a hotel near transition while Dad tapers and snaps at everyone over pasta.

Before I started doing triathlons, I thought peeing yourself in public was a cry for help.

Now I tell the story at brunch as proof of my commitment.

Cyclists say triathletes can't handle a bike.

Triathletes reply that cyclists can't run, then wobble into a hedge reaching for their aero bottle.

A triathlete's idea of going to a party:

Arrive at 8pm, eat everything on the table, call it "fuelling," and leave at 9pm for the 5am masters swim.

People say triathlon isn't a cult.

Expensive initiation fees, matching tattoos, dawn rituals in rubber suits, and a man with a microphone telling you who you are at midnight.

My mate's watch said his training readiness was "unproductive," so he skipped his run.

The next day it said "peaking," so he did that run, the skipped run, and a brick, just to show the watch who's boss.

"Did you do a real Ironman, or just an iron distance race?"

Same swim, same bike, same marathon, but tragically the wrong logo on the swim cap.