Golf jokes

My mate logs every round into his stats app: fairways hit, greens in regulation, putts per round.

He should add a column for balls donated to the lake. It's the only stat where he's leading the field.

"A quick nine" is the most dangerous phrase in golf.

It has never once been quick, and it has never once been nine.

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change it and five to tell him his grip is too strong.

My husband checks the wind speed and direction for Saturday's tee time three days in advance.

He'll still hit it into the trees on the right, but at least now he'll know exactly why.

How to dress like a proper golfer: 1. Salmon trousers. 2. A belt with tiny embroidered flags. 3. A quarter zip in July.

4. Sunglasses on the back of your cap, to protect your neck from the glare of your own outfit.

My mate took a practice swing during his own wedding vows.

He says he was just working on his commitment through the ball.

My mate is a legit 18 every Saturday and somehow a scratch golfer whenever there's a trophy involved.

Doctors are calling it the most remarkable recovery in the history of the club.

A golfer's social media is ninety percent sunrise over the first tee.

The other ten percent is a scorecard cropped very carefully around the 8 on the par 4.

People say golf is basically a cult.

Nonsense. A cult would let you in wearing jeans.

My mate spent all winter fiddling with the tiny weights on his driver using that little wrench.

First tee in spring, same slice as last year, but he assures us it's now a much more optimised slice.

Never ask a golfer how his round went.

Not unless you've got four hours free and a deep interest in a little cut 7 iron, 162 out, slightly into the wind.

I've got nine putters in my garage.

It's not a collection, it's a graveyard, and every headstone reads "One bad round."