The funny gift for golfers

100 Jokes about Golfers

For the golfer who blames the wind, the greens and the clubs: 100 jokes about the game they cannot stop playing.

100 original jokes about Golf, from the first tee to the nineteenth hole
Covers the yearly 'eight more yards' driver, slow-motion swing analysis and 4:30am tee-time sniping
Affectionate clubhouse banter that roasts your handicap, your excuses and your 'should-have-been' score
Perfect for Father's Day, birthdays or retirement, for the golfer still one lesson from greatness

Paperback · £8.30 on Amazon UK · $10.99 on Amazon US

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A taste of what's inside

6 of the 100 jokes. The rest are in the book.

My mate logs every round into his stats app: fairways hit, greens in regulation, putts per round.

He should add a column for balls donated to the lake. It's the only stat where he's leading the field.

"A quick nine" is the most dangerous phrase in golf.

It has never once been quick, and it has never once been nine.

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change it and five to tell him his grip is too strong.

My husband checks the wind speed and direction for Saturday's tee time three days in advance.

He'll still hit it into the trees on the right, but at least now he'll know exactly why.

How to dress like a proper golfer: 1. Salmon trousers. 2. A belt with tiny embroidered flags. 3. A quarter zip in July.

4. Sunglasses on the back of your cap, to protect your neck from the glare of your own outfit.

My mate took a practice swing during his own wedding vows.

He says he was just working on his commitment through the ball.

Get all 100 jokes More golf jokes →

About this book

Do you know someone who spends four hours chasing a small white ball and calls it relaxing? Someone who can recall every shot from a round played in 2009 but forgets your birthday? Someone who blames the wind, the greens, the clubs and the bloke coughing three fairways away, but never, ever themselves?

Then this book is for them. 100 Jokes about Golfers is a collection of one-liners, quick quips and groan-worthy puns about the gloriously frustrating game of golf and the people who cannot stop playing it: the handicap that is always about to come down, the lost balls, the 19th hole, the new driver that will definitely fix everything this time, and the trousers that should never leave the clubhouse.

It makes a brilliant birthday present, Christmas stocking filler or Secret Santa gift, and works just as well for Father's Day, a retirement or a thank-you for the club captain. Whether they play off scratch or simply play off the car park, they will recognise themselves on every page.

A funny gift for golfers

Buying for someone who lives and breathes golfers? They probably own all the kit already. This book gives them something they cannot buy for themselves: 100 jokes that prove you have been listening to every story about it.

It works as a birthday present, a Christmas stocking filler, a Secret Santa gift or a just-because laugh. Amazon prints and ships it, so you can send it straight to them.

Looking for more ideas? See our Funny Gifts for Sports Lovers, or browse Christmas stocking fillers.

Who this book is for

This book is for the golfer who owns a $600 driver, dresses head-to-toe like a tour professional and still shoots 105 before blaming the greens. It's for the one who practises their takeaway in shop windows, films every swing in slow motion to compare it with Rory McIlroy, and can't address a ball without three practice swings and a muttered 'stay down, slow back, finish high'. If they've ever stopped play to debate a penalty area or refused to say the word 'shank' out loud, you've found your reader. Perhaps you're the partner who has heard the 4:30am Saturday alarm go off yet again, followed by a promise that they'll 'only be gone four hours'. Or you're the friend who has sat through a hole-by-hole account of a round you never asked about, complete with the 'should have been' score once the three triple-bogeys that 'didn't really count' are removed. This is your chance to tease them affectionately, and it's far cheaper than another Instagram-inspired swing rebuild. And if you're the golfer yourself, the one who takes a breakfast ball on the first tee, the seventh and the twelfth, and whose idea of a gimme gets more generous with every pint, you're very welcome here too. These jokes are for anyone who can laugh at a chunked chip or a skulled bunker shot and still turn up next weekend convinced it's finally all clicked. After all, if you can survive a worm-burner in front of the clubhouse, you can survive a bit of ribbing.

Questions about this book

Expect affectionate, knowing humour that pokes fun at everything golfers love and suffer through, from the 'breakfast ball' that somehow reappears on the 12th tee to the creative arithmetic on the scorecard. There are one-liners, short stories and puns covering shanks, chunks, worm-burners, generous gimmes and the eternal belief that one new driver will finally fix everything. It's the sort of humour that celebrates golf as the most expensive way to feel bad about yourself.

Absolutely. It makes a brilliant birthday, Christmas, Father's Day or retirement present for anyone who spends their weekends hunting for balls in the rough and their weeknights watching swing tutorials. It's also a great addition to a society day prize table or a light-hearted thank you for your regular four-ball partners.

Not at all. Most of the jokes land with anyone who has ever watched a friend lose their temper over a three-foot putt, and a non-golfer will happily get a laugh out of 'a good walk spoiled'. That said, seasoned players will spot plenty of insider nods, such as the sweet satisfaction of an up and down, beery negotiations over what counts as 'in the leather', and why some people refuse to say the word 'shank' out loud.

Rather than recycling generic sports gags, this collection is built around the real experiences that every club golfer recognises, like the one perfect shot in a dreadful round that keeps you coming back next weekend. It captures the shared truths of the game, including the golfer who has been 'one lesson away from figuring it out' for 25 years. It reads like the banter you'd hear in the clubhouse bar after a round, which is exactly why golfers see themselves in it.

Ready to roast them?

100 jokes, one very recognisable victim. Printed and shipped by Amazon.

Buy on Amazon UK · £8.30 Buy on Amazon US · $10.99