Coffee jokes

My husband bought an "endgame" grinder and announced he's finally done upgrading.

It's his fourth endgame. At this point it's not an endgame, it's a franchise.

Offer a coffee snob a cup of instant and you'll hear the politest lie in the English language.

"Oh, I'm alright actually, I've had loads today."

My home espresso setup has more drama than a soap opera.

Every morning there's channelling, a breakdown under pressure, and somebody ends up in the sink.

Before I got into specialty coffee, coffee tasted like coffee.

Now it tastes like jasmine, bergamot and ripe cherry, and I pay a small fortune for the privilege of not tasting coffee.

My wife says she feels like the second most important thing in my mornings.

I told her that's not true. She's fourth, behind the grinder, the scale and the kettle.

Rule #1 of dialling in: one good shot takes 45 minutes and 100g of beans.

Tomorrow you start again, because the beans are a day older. And so, frankly, are you.

My mate posted his first latte art rosetta with the caption "getting there 😅".

Six angles, natural light, and he tagged the milk jug.

Cold brew fans are basically a doorstep religion.

There's a holy jar steeping in the fridge at all times, and they'll tell you it's "gentler on the stomach" before you've even said hello.

I don't have a coffee problem.

I have a scale accurate to 0.1g, a refractometer and a spreadsheet of every shot pulled since 2019. That's a hobby.

A filter person and an espresso person walk into a café.

Forty minutes later they're still arguing, and the only one who's actually drunk anything is the guy with the venti caramel macchiato.

You know you're a coffee addict when you pack a hand grinder, an AeroPress, a scale, a gooseneck kettle and 250g of beans for a two night hotel stay.

The room had a perfectly good coffee machine. You treated it like a decorative ornament.

Nobody in my office goes into the kitchen between 8 and 9am anymore.

Apparently reciting "dose, ratio, grind setting and extraction time" isn't small talk. It's a hostage situation.