Bird Watching jokes

My friend paused halfway through his wedding vows, held up one finger and whispered, "Wait... was that a Firecrest?"

It was. The marriage lasted six years, but the Firecrest is on his life list forever.

Why do birders never explain to the public that they identified a bird by its "jizz"?

Because the last one who tried is still explaining it to the park warden.

My wife found our shopping trolley abandoned in aisle five, with the frozen peas slowly defrosting.

The only clue was a note tucked under the peas: "Bluetail. Norfolk. Don't wait up."

How many twitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They drove 400 miles overnight to see one, and by the time they got there it had gone out.

My boss asked why I sounded so ill when I called in sick.

It's hard to sound healthy with the windows down doing ninety towards a lost Siberian warbler.

Bird watchers dress like they're about to stalk a snow leopard across the Himalayas.

Head to toe khaki, zip off trousers, a hat with a chin strap. All for a Tuesday morning at the sewage works.

A beginner in the hide asked what "that brown duck" was.

Silence. Twelve pairs of Swarovskis turned slowly towards him like a firing squad. It was a female Mallard.

Nothing is less modest than a birder's "modest" post about hitting 500 species.

"Not one to brag, but..." followed by a photo, a spreadsheet, and a heartfelt thank you to his wife "for her patience."

My neighbour has visited the same gravel pit three hundred times this year.

Yesterday a Shoveler turned up and he wept like he'd seen a unicorn. "Only the fourth patch record!"

I asked a birder at a party how his weekend was.

Forty minutes later I knew more about the wingtip mirrors on gulls than I know about my own children.

What's the worst insult you can give a birder?

Calling them a stringer. Insulting their mother barely makes the top ten.

My uncle keeps a life list, a year list, a county list, a patch list and a garden list.

He also keeps a "seen from the toilet" list, which is why our bathroom window is now open all through January.